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It’s that time of the year again where anniversary days are closer together. Happy 59th Michael. That deserves some cake time for sure!

I remember trying to take the goofy photo of you sanding back this window for mum in your mask, and how long it took for me to get one with the mask on. You were quick and I did get that photo, but I love this one of you too.

The years have stayed the same for you as the world has moved on and changed. Actually, you have stayed the same for the last almost 21 years as the world has moved on, changed, grown, broken down more and evolved in ways you wouldn’t recognise. So much change, however, grief is a little different in how it evolves.

Maybe God allowed you to be spared the changes that happened and are happening. Sometimes I wonder why you got spared and the rest of us are still trying to work it all out. This side of heaven is hard without you, but it would also be hard even if you hadn’t left as suddenly as you did. But it’s also ok because God’s got this. He has to, because I don’t and can’t. His timing for all things is perfect. He allows this stuff to happen, but doesn’t cause it. He never wastes anything and uses it to grow us, teach us, mould us, heal us, strengthen us, but most of all to reveal his glorify. I’ve said it many times before, I am a stronger better person now, than when we breathed the same air. I would have so done this all differently, maybe not even be who I am now without losing you, without knowing you. But here I am. Here we all are. I can’t change the past, but I can change and be the change for today and the days to come. When you went home to Jesus, that started a chain reaction in my life. A God chain reaction and there’s no turning back and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be who I am now without it. I am sorry you didn’t get to see the person I have grown into. There’s still so much change to be done, but you’d like this better version of me. I know I do. You’ll get to see the more refined, better version of me when it’s my turn to come home to Jesus. God’s got plans for me here for now.

So today I continue to lean into God and know his timing is perfect. He is never late. The desires of my heart I pray for, I pray for knowing that God hears them and the timing is in his hands, his good and perfect hands, and I’m OK with that. God knows what I need even before I know I need it. He knows when I’m ready for it too. This makes my prayers not dependant on my feelings or my timing and getting stressed about it not happening when I want it to happen. My prayers are not a shopping list, but a worship list.

Hmm worship list…that’s something for me to process for another blog.

Today I’ve shed some tears for many layers of reasons. I am thankful you are my brother. I miss you.

I’m off to get me some cake to celebrate you!